The Secret Diary
by Ermintrude
Summary: Rated for upcoming chapters. Phoebe's secret diary.


THE SECRET DIARY

  
**Authors Note: The secret Diary, the never-before-seen diary of Phoebe Buffet, about her long-time heartache, her childhood abuse and other "weird" things that are just Phoebeish. My first fanfic. Rated for...well, you'll find out. Some F/F.**

  
**CHAPTER ONE**

  
JANUARY

  
Monday, 1st January

  
Dear Diary,

  
A new year is upon us, and what a year it's started off as! First, Monica and Chandler announce that they're engaged. Then Joey goes and smashes himself up in a car and spends the night in hospital. And then, to top it all off, Rachel announces she's having a baby! She won't tell us who the father is, but I'm guessing it's Ross.

  
So, Monica and Chandler first. Well, we knew they were going out, but we never realised they were that serious. We always joked about it between us, saying what a strange couple they were. You know, Monica wears the trousers in that relationship. And Chandler just lets her. He seems to like it that way.

  
But the ring he bought her! It was almost as big as my eye, and my eyes are pretty big. And all seeing...anyway, it was huge. And very expensive. I was jealous that I hadn't snapped him up years ago. It was then that we realised how serious they are about each other, and now they're this sweet couple...it makes me sick.

  
No one knows this (and no one will ever find out because I lock this diary and keep the key on me at all times) but I am not a, as some people say, "normal" woman. I hate that expression anyway. What is normal? Who has the right to say that being a lesbian is wrong and being heterosexual isn't? Because that's just it. I think I am a lesbian. And it's eating away at me. Because of all the peer pressure in this day and age, I cannot tell anyone. No one understands what it's like to suffer, not even being able to tell your own friends. Not that I don't think they'd understand, but I can't tell Rachel.

  
Great. I am the third friend to fall in love with Rachel.

  
I don't know why. It's not because she has an overly great personality-in fact, she can be a right bitch-but I love her sense of excitement, the way she looks at things. There is no way we can ever be together, and there is no point in me telling her.

  
Now Joey. Well, Joey is just an idiot. He was doing 90mph in a 30mph speed limit, and crashed into a tree. Luckily, he survived and was barely hurt, but they kept him in overnight. At one point though, he lost consciousness, and everyone was really worried. Me especially. I've always been fond of Joey, and at one point I thought I loved him. But not like I love Rachel. I can't even talk about it. And now she's PREGNANT!

  
When I was pregnant I was torn apart. I was so embarrassed. You may be confused, but I am not talking about the time I was pregnant with Frank's children. I'm talking about the time I was pregnant when I was 14.

  
I was chucked out of my home when I was 14, when my dad found out about me being pregnant. I was half glad anyway. I had a terrible childhood, my dad beating me up every other second. He was a monster, and he got a kick out of beating the crap out of me and Ursula. It affected Ursula, and I think it affected her personality as well as she's so horrible now.

  
My dad put me off men. It may be partially his fault that I'm attracted to women. Women have always been nicer to me. My mum loved me, but he beat the crap out of her too. She was scared stiff of him. It eventually killed her, and he was jailed for 10 years for manslaughter. 10 fucking years. What justice is that? No justice, that's the answer.

  
I still have scars that no one sees. At the top of my legs, by my shoulders. My father was cruel, and he hit me where no one would see. He was jealous of my looks, I knew that. He really was an ugly monster, and he knew that I didn't get my looks from him. Thank god-I'd look like a mixture of Frankenstein and The Hunchback of Notre Dame. 

  
Everyone thinks I'm ditzy. They don't know the real me. The lesbian that got beaten up as a child. How people's thoughts about me would change if they knew the truth. My mum didn't kill herself. My Nan was really my Great Aunt, who always said that my father was a horrible bastard. My dad that I've been looking for, for the past three years is actually my baby's granddad. And my baby is in a Children's Home.

  
And I'm determined to get her back.

  
**More like an Introduction. Please review!!!!** Emma xx 


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